In some ways the last couple of months have moved rather slowly and quietly for me, at least as far as experiencing anything new or different related to my transition. But rather than feeling like nothing is happening, I feel like it has been a time of integrating my experiences, a time of conscious reflection so that I can more deeply understand the experiences and realizations that my soul is having.

Knowledge we have at an intellectual level, based on what we have learned rather than what we’ve experienced, is the beginning of understanding, but when what we understand at an intellectual level begins to move to an understanding at an emotional level we begin to really integrate the realization into our being, our soul. From my current understanding of how this works, I know of no way to consciously move one’s understanding from an intellectual to an emotional one. It simply happens over some length of time specific to the individual, the realization, and what it is we understand. These become our Ah Ha! moments where we finally know, finally understand and integrate something in such a different way that the only way I can explain it is that it is something that has moved from our head to our heart and has actually become a part of us.

For example, many of the experiences I’ve had specific to and in preparation for my final transition have also been an expansion of consciousness that will, of course, remain as part of my soul from now on, as Tayo explained to me. At the time I understood what he meant, and yet I also wondered how these experiences could be two seemingly different things.

Not long after I became so ill, which led to my diagnosis, Tayo told me that one of the core intentions of my soul was learning how to remain committed to and defined by God no matter what—no matter how difficult my circumstances became. In relation to this he explained, “The last part of this life is very much intended to be like Gyanamata. Yogananda expanded the consciousness of Gyanamata because of her condition and acceptance of it. So, too, for you, Adina.” (Sri Gyanamata, one of Yogananda’s most advanced women disciples lived the last 20 years of her life in continuing service to her Guru at the same time she was in constant pain).

I clarified this with him, “So, Tayo, did you also mean that Master both can and will expand my consciousness relative to my own condition and acceptance of it? So much has been happening within my consciousness in spite of my being unable to meditate like I used to because of problems with my body, is that how at least some of my expansion of consciousness is occurring? His answer to both questions was yes.

It had taken several months for my intellectual understanding to move to an inner realization, an emotional understanding. But more important, I deepened my understanding of what God’s grace is through this help from my Guru, that continues as I move ever closer to my transition.