Even when I try to be mindful of each moment, each hour, etc., I still cannot sustain it on the constant level I’d like to. And one thing that had been bothering me lately and that I voiced to my hospice nurse a couple of weeks ago is the fact that I used to feel so ready for my transition, so excited for it, actually, and now I don’t feel it that way like I used to, and I feel rather sad that the feeling of anticipation is gone. I am still ready when it’s time, but the excitement I once felt isn’t there.

Over the last few years I have felt so well taken care of by God and gurus–and many times so quickly when I asked–that it really blows my mind, and the day after the discussion with my nurse was no exception. Late the next afternoon as I was in a kind of meditative state and listening to Leonard Cohen’s song, “Hallelujah,” I started again to feel the continuing separation from my body. And I was feeling it in a different way than before. It was almost like I could feel the “essence” of ‘me’ starting to flow out of my body; it was like seeing dry ice evaporate into the air.

So I began to RE-realize who and what I actually am, rather than being identified with the body, which was what had been happening lately as I had to focus more and more on my breathing. Then my guru, Yogananda, and his guru, Sri Yukteswar, and an advanced disciple of Yogananda’s, Gyanamata, made sure I knew (once again) that they are there and ready to help me when the time comes and that it will be a totally beautiful and freeing experience–the ‘real deal,’ so to speak, not the illusion of this form and this time/space reality. Like Tayo had advised me some time ago, I started saying silently, “I’m ready, Lord, when you’re read to take me home”–repeating it over and over again like a mantra. And as I did this, my joy, my peace, and my excitement all returned and began to expand and intensify. So I am once again looking forward to my transition. And although I have realized it before, I am realizing  at a deeper level that I’m going home, not leaving home. This seems to be a lesson that I need to learn over and over again until it’s really etched into my soul at an emotional level, not just in my mind at an intellectual level.

I feel so blessed and more peaceful than I have in quite awhile. There are days like today that my heart bursts and tears of joy run down my cheeks for all that I’ve been given in this life–especially my former spiritual teacher, Wolf Green, my current spiritual teacher, Tayo, and my gurus. What more could I ask for? What more could any of us ask for?

I am becoming aware of my “welcoming committee” on a regular basis–more and more times a day on a nearly daily basis:  family members who have passed, along with my teachers and gurus. All there, all ready to usher me into and through the transition to a different way of being. Oh the joy!